Man, Movement, Machine, Monument

Recently one of our leaders spoke in a Sunday morning service about a very real danger that faces the churches of today. That is the danger of turning from a movement of life into a machine and then a monument to what "has been".
I felt challenged and reminded of a trip to Lindisfarne Island which I took with two of my friends a couple of years ago when I was still at Uni. I had a moment with God on finding how disenchanted I was with the monuments to bygones on the island. That was the inspiration for the poem that follows.

On a small windy island a long way North
Stands a church, from the austerity of which, Celtic Saints strode forth.
But it now stands silent, empty, just a monument,
Just a place where all those "seeking peace" are sent.

And I wonder, whilst I walk around the echoing insides,
How we lost the verve and passion that consumed their lives?
Where it was along the path we completely missed the way,
And turned this house of praise into a museum for today.

So wandering outside and glancing over a small wall,
The sea reflects the sun and holds me in it's thrall.
A living spectacle of changing, dancing light
Presents a view of briliance before my captured sight.

And then I hear inside my heart the still small voice of God.
And hear Him say "This is how I want my people to be,
Not still, nor silent, not hollow, bound to sod,
But moving, shining - a living reflection of Me."

Dear God

I've been inspired recently by reading a very lovely, lighthearted little book that has a deeper message. It's written by a man who claims to be a lapsed athiest and it's a book of "short prayers for long days".
Little sentances to God about the mundane, the funny and the perplexing things in life.
I loved reading it. It used to belong to my Grandad, but he's now able to talk face to face with God.
It inspired me to just talk to God more. God is interested in the everyday happenings in our lives. He doesn't just want a shopping list of prayer or an hour here or there. He wants to be able to be involved, to laugh with us or cry with us.
You see, there's a scarey bit in my bible. It says that at the end of time some will come to the gates of heaven and want to go in saying to God that they've done all kinds of things in His name, but He'll tell them to go....because He doesn't know them. How sad to have lived a life of duty in His name with no relationship.
So. Whilst my Twitter friends may think I've gone a little off the wall with my "Dear God" posts. It's just another way to talk to my God about my life. To get to know Him....and let Him get to know me too.

Grandad

When I attended my grandmother's funeral my grandfather sat in his wheelchair by her open grave and said "Goodbye Dora, I'll see you soon". Heartbreakingly for us, but happily for him, today I stood beside the open grave of my grandfather to say goodbye to him.

Loosing one grandparent was very hard. Loosing both of them has hurt so much. I don't feel much like myself at the moment. But I suppose that's normal, whatever normal is.

I'm glad he's with Jesus. I'm glad he's with my grandmother. But there's so much I wish that I could have said and done more. Maybe it's always like that when you loose someone you love.

For now I think it's just time to be quiet, at least that's how I feel.

Relief or Pain

I lost my Grandmother yesterday morning. And whilst I don't really wish to type a blog that is just some new kind of obituary, I can't sit and say nothing about a woman whose talents and life have made me in part the woman I am today.



My grandmother was an incredible cook. She ran her own bakery for a few years making and selling fresh bread to the residents of the small village in which she lived at the time.



She was a singer, singing the Alto harmony in the Emmanuel choir in London.



She was a lover of Jesus. Living her life for Him and trying to serve Him in the best way that she knew how.

Spring

It's spring time - at last! And such a relief.
I drive home from work in the evenings and it's still light. Light enough that I can see that the leaves are coming out. I can see the daffodills.
It's warm enough that I needn't wear layers and layers of jumpers.
The daffodills are blooming out the front of our house and brightening the mornings.
I love springtime - such a blessed relief after the greyness of winter.
Although I shall miss dozing on the sofa in front of the fire I'm sure!

Self Control

I've been thinking - as I sometimes do.
And what I've been thinking on is not an unusual topic. It's one that plagues the whole of society, but holds particular meaning to those of us Christians who want to live what the Bible teaches. In the bible there is a passage which lists what are known as the "fruits of the Spirit" or in other words, qualities of personality or soul which need cultivating in the followers of Jesus. They include such things as "Gentleness", "Goodness", "Peace" and "Patience". All good stuff I'm sure, but I feel that even attaining these seemingly rare qualities may be direcly attributed to one quality further down which makes all of us squirm slightly and skip it quickly to move on to other more likeable subjects. I'm talking of the quality that is "Self Control".
I'm sure we all have an idea of what self control is. It's the ability to not have second helpings at dinner isn't it? Or the ability to say "no" to chocolate, right? Well, yes - and no! I think that self control is probably a whole lot bigger than that.
Maybe self control is what we exercise when there's an opportunity to gossip and we deny ourselves that.
Maybe self control is what we exercise when we make ourselves get out of bed the first time the alarm clock rings rather than snoozing it five times.
Maybe self control is us listening to that person who is rabbitting on in our ear when we don't feel like listening - but perhaps that person desperately needs us to.
Maybe self control is what means we have a set time to pray and listen to God each week.
Maybe self control is a whole lot bigger than we think. Maybe if we stop to think about our lives for real it is self control which means we are gentle, good, peaceful and patient. Perhaps in skipping over this hard to swallow word means we're denying ourselves the very things we're hoping to achieve in this life.

It frightens me when I have revelations like this. I can't deny that I've had some kind of a realisation that I'm not living up to the mark of what I know to be the best way to live. I can't pretend I don't know any better. And so I have to change. And it frightens me that I'm daft enough to tell my friends that I've been thinking and realising such things - as it gives them the liberty of taking me to task when I don't follow up my words with actions.

Procrastination!

Today I've been on a course for work. Was quite nice actually, drove through the countryside to a large hospital near the Dunstable Downs. It was a lovely sunny day for the part of it that it wasn't snowing and it was a really lovely time to be out for a drive. When we go there we did a day's training in how to help over sized people return to a healthy shape.

Those who know me well will know that I've never been truthfully called undersized in my life, and so for me to attend a course like this will have prickled my concience that maybe I should practice what I preach. But what I actually learned is that procrastination is at times far stronger than determination, or maybe my determination to procrastinate is what is actually the leader here!

Anyway, tomorrow is another day - right? It can all start then can't it! For today there isn't enough minutes of it left for me to be able to do much with it.

Now the thought of tomorrow is already dull and dreary - I feel hungry at the thought of it. Oh bother...why can't life be a little simpler??

For Rachel

My dear sister, I hope this old hymn brings you some comfort. All my love, Beckie

'Twixt gleams of joy and clouds of doubt

Our feelings come and go;

Our best estate is toss'd about

In ceasless ebb and flow.

No mood of feeling, form of thought,

Is constant for a day;

But Thou, O Lord! Thou changest not;

The same Thou art alway.

I grasp Thy strength, make it mine own,

My heart with peace is blest;

I lose my hold and then comes down

Darkness and cold unrest.

Let me no more my comfort draw

From my frail hold of Thee, -

In this alone rejoice with awe;

Thy mighty grasp of me.

Out of that weak unquiet drift

That comes but to depart,

To that pure Heaven my spirit lift

Where Thou unchanging art.

Lay hold of me with Thy strong grasp,

Let Thy Almighty arm

In it's embrace my weakness clasp,

And I shall fear no harm.

Thy purpose of eternal good

Let me but surely know;

On this I'll lean, let changing mood

And feeling come or go;

Glad when Thy sunshine fills my soul;

Not lorn when clouds o'ercast;

Since Thou within Thy sure control

Of Love dost hold me fast.

First Blog

Been thinking about what to type in here for a little while. When you write your first blog you want something fun, witty, excellently intelligent or at least vaguely entertaining to use as a subject matter. I have none of the above, but simply a routine day - which to be fair could sometimes decide to be all of the above, and at other times, none other than as previously stated a routine, uninteresting and simply boring day.

So when one only has boring days to write of how does one change the routine humdrum to something which might amuse or at least distract. The truth? One can't.

Routine is part of life. And I guess without it we lose recognition of our own life and we cease to be familiar with our time and loose ourselves in chaos. Some like this kind of an existance of drift and flow. But if I'm drearily honest, I find something comforting about routine and normalcy. And I guess if we're all honest, we all do.

Today however, I can add to this monotonous post, that it's snowing! I do like snow. I cease to be a thirty-something when it snows and become a child again. Dreaming of days off, snowball fights and sledging and drinking hot chocolate by the fire to warm up afterwards when the soggy coats, scarves and gloves are safely ensconced on the radiator drying out.

Today though I'm in my office being a realist. I have patients to see, admin to do and I'm not going to get on a sledge after work as I'm too busy studying!